How Can We Help You?

“Good morning. Complaint Department.”
“Uhh, good morning. Who have I reached?”
“The Complaint Department, sir. How may I help you?”
Right. Whose Complaint Department?”
“I don’t follow you, sir.”
“I understand that I have reached the Complaint Department. But for whom do you take complaints?”
“Sir, who were you trying to reach?”
“I’m just wondering who I did reach. If I had a complaint, what might I be complaining about?”
“It could be just about anything, sir.”
“OK. What if I complained about the weather?”
“Yes, sir. What specifically seems to be the problem?”
“Very funny. Really: what is the name of your company?”
“The Complaint Department.”
“No, not your department. The name of the corporation.
“Actually, I don’t think we are incorporated.”
“Whatever. What is the name at the top of your paycheck, then?”
“Who were you trying to reach, sir?”
“The truth is, I saw a sign today. A billboard. It was for some whacko political organization. They want to impeach the Supreme Court or some damn’ thing. But they had an 800 number that you could call — I guess to find out where to send your contribution. And their phone number was one-eight-hundred-four-one-FEDUP. You know, how they spell out words with the number on the dial? Not that it’s really a dial anymore… on the … keypad, I guess.”
“I’m familiar with the concept, yes.”
“You have a very nice voice when you are not trying to be snotty. I would stay away from snottiness.”
“I’ll make an effort.”
“There. That’s better already. Anyway, that started me thinking: ‘Four One FEDUP?’ I mean, FEDUP, that’s great. I mean, what could be better for some screwballs really worked up about politics than FEDUP? That part’s perfect! But… Four One? The only thing that spells is ‘I’. The pronoun, not the body part. See, One doesn’t even have a letter! What you would want to do is, spell out I’M FEDUP. Man, who could forget that? No one, that’s who! They were so close. Instead of Four One, they needed…”
“Four Six. Yes, sir. Our number.”
“Exactly. Really, they aren’t paying you enough. So, I started wondering, why wouldn’t they get Four Six? And I’m pretty sharp, you know.”
“Obviously.”
“There’s that snottiness. I’ll bet you are really cute when you are being nice, too. Like I say, it didn’t take me long to figure out that someone else must have already taken Four Six. Being an adventurous soul with some extra time on his hands I thought I would find out who got Four Six before the Supreme Court haters. So I called you.”

“Are you still there?”
“Yes sir, is there way I can help you?”
“Yes. Who have I reached?”
“The name on the paychecks is ‘Jefferson Holding Company.’ I just checked.”
“Ah hah! And what does Jefferson Holding Company do?”
“Other than pay me every two weeks, I really couldn’t say.”
“Couldn’t or wouldn’t? Come on, is it some terrific secret, for chrissakes?”
“I believe that JHC is a subsidiary of Depentech.”
“OK. Now we are getting someplace! So, you listen to computer complaints.”
“Frequently.”
“Well. That answers it, then. Thank you… Wait. Do you listen to other types of complaints as well?”
“You are a reporter, are you not, sir?”
“No. Why, are you covering up something you don’t want the public to know about?”
“Yes. And we pay a tremendous amount of money to beat out the Supreme Court people for a toll-free number to help us pull the wool over the public’s eyes.”
“I’m afraid we really haven’t made any progress with that attitude at all. Do you hear other types of complaints? What did the last caller complain about?”
“She complained about gas prices. She thinks that the big car makers are in cahoots with the oil-producing companies to keep technology from Americans that would allow them run their cars on water.”
“Wow. You really have to deal with some nuts.”
“I certainly do.”
“I’ll ignore that. What did you tell her?”
“I don’t give advice, sir. I just listen to complaints.”
“Any complaints?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You mean someone could just call you up and complain about literally anything?”
“Of course, sir. This is the Complaint Department.”
“Anything? I mean, what if some guy wanted to complain about — uh, what if he was mad ’cause his wife was sleeping with someone else?”
“Is that why you called?”
“You are quick. I will give you that. No, I prefer the life of the freedom, the ability to roam the vast tundra, stalking my prey like the great cats.”
“You are mixing your metaphors, sir. Tundra is frozen wastelands. You are thinking of the veldt.”
“Siberian tigers are great cats, aren’t they? And you have to admit Siberia is frozen. There is no denying that. As for wasteland, well that speaks for itself. I mean, you think they have nightclubs in Siberia? None you would catch this cat in, and that’s a fact… Don’t go dead on me now. We’re just getting to the good part.”
“That makes me glad.”
“So you are saying that you are paid to sit in a little cubicle…”
“I work out of my home.”
“Really? How do you like it?”
“No complaints.”
“That was uncalled for. It really was. They are paying you to sit at home and answer phone calls all day, and listen to any complaint the caller wants to hold forth about?”
“Yes, sir. That about covers it.”
“Well, for chrissakes, why? What is the percentage in paying you to do that?”
“The percentage?”
“Yeah. How does having you do that help the bottom line? I can’t understand it. Explain it to me.”
“You are a reporter, aren’t you, sir?”
“Does that scare you that I might be a reporter? You keep asking.”
“No, it’s just that I’m supposed to refer members of the media to the Jefferson Holding Company Public Affairs Department.”
“Well, let’s just say for the time being that I am not a member of the media.”
“Then how may I help you, sir?”
“You can help me – See, I am getting tense. Doctor says I get too worked up sometimes. Wants me to do these breathing exercises. Oh, I tried it, but it makes me feel like I’m about to squeeze out a puppy, to tell you the truth. There. You can help me by explaining how you answering just any complain helps the Jefferson Holding Company.”
“I’m afraid I can’t.”
“So. No cover up, huh?”
“None that I am aware of. That’s just the problem. If my answering complaints makes the company money, I sure can’t see how. Fact is, I’m pretty sure the Complaint Department is just a write-off. A loss.”
“I still don’t see it. Are you trained to answer computer-related questions?”
“No, sir. I really don’t answer questions. I just listen to complaints.”
“Do you log the calls.”
“Yes, sir. I have a computer screen that I enter data in pertaining to the calls. Right now I am trying to fill in the field where I describe the nature of the complaint. At this point I am leaning towards entering ‘Complained about Complaint Department.”
“Don’t enter that just yet. What happens after you fill out the form?”
“I answer the next phone call and fill out a new one.”
“What do you do with the form, I mean. You print it out?”
“No. I’m connected to a network and each complaint gets saved on a server somewhere.”
“And the data gets sorted out, picking out those complaints that have marketing value?”
“I really don’t know. I just take the complaints.”
“What is your most frequent complaint that you get?”
“Cars. Definitely.”
“Does Depentech or Jefferson own part of some car company or auto parts chain?”
“Not that I know of.”
“You probably wouldn’t. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“How long can you stay on the phone with me?”
“It’s up to my discretion. But we’ve gone just about as far as we can go, though.”
“OK. Quick. Just a couple more questions. What’s the longest you ever spent listening to a complaint?”
“Well, I spent three hours once –”
“Three hours! We haven’t even been talking anything like three hours!”
“This gentleman had quite a lot to complain about. Like I was saying, I spent three hours once, but Suzie who works for the Department spent the better part of a week once listening to a woman complain about her husband. Every day at ten o’clock she would call and talk until her soap came on at three. For five straight days.”
“Jeez. Did your friend get fired or anything?”
“Fired? No, she still works with us. Saw her Tuesday.”
“She could just talk to this disgruntled wife for eight hours a day and still get paid? How do I get a job like that? No, forget it. Dealing with disgruntled wives. Forget I said anything.”
“She didn’t talk, sir. She listened. That’s what we do. And it was only five hours a day.”
“Don’t they pressure you to talk up their product, though? Do a little advertising, since you got them on the line?”
“What product would that be, sir?”
“Well, Depentech is a huge computer company! Don’t they want you to sort of mention what great computers they make? Just slip it in, like: ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear about your kidneys. By the way, have you seen the new Septum processors in those Depentech computers? Talk about really running!’”
“No, sir. We just listen. And unless you have a complaint –”
“OK. I’ll let you guy. I’d like to say you haven’t been very helpful, but at least you’ve been polite. Mostly.”
“You have nothing to complain about?”
“Nope. Not at all. I was just curious about that phone number.”
“Uh huh.”
“Yeah, I just saw that billboard and started thinking. You know how that is, you are driving home, stuck, absolutely mired in traffic and your mind wanders. Talk about your captive audience! And some of those signs! Take these anti-Supreme Court people. I mean, somebody’s always gotta complain! Sure, our system isn’t perfect, but I always say it’s the worst system in the world except for all of the others! Some times it really burns me the way the fringe groups’ll stake out the Mall or the DMV and stick their paranoid fantasies in your face!”
“Uh, huh.”